May 5, 2019
I haven’t posted in months because what happened as a result of having some self-awareness and removing myself from an unhealthy situation with my partner is that I learned I needed to address my issues and take responsibility for my life. I felt empowered and enlightened but neglected to acknowledge the powerlessness over my addiction. I admitted the problem and attended a support group but as soon as I felt a sense of relief and hope I thought I had control. I returned to old habits thinking that this time will be different. It’s overwhelming to consider letting go of everything that is not serving me including the people places and activities that I am accustomed to. I know I can’t trust my judgement and don’t feel safe to make the daily decisions that will keep me on a path of recovery so today I completely surrender and accept my powerlessness and have the willingness and courage to face myself and my addiction and mental health issues. It’s frustrating being a chronic relapaser because I can imagine from an outside perspective that it doesn’t make sense but from my internal perspective which is distorted I have rationalized and justified every decision I have made. That’s the insanity of the illness. So to all the people who know me through poker if you don’t see me it’s because I have chosen another path in life and am on my way to becoming a more involved mother, daughter, sister and friend and hopefully an inspiration for people like me who have faced similar adversities in this life. I know many people are out there suffering and I know that each individual experience is unique but the resonance and connection that exists in all people is unconditional love. The Bibles definition of love states Love is patient Love is kind it does not envy it does not boast it is not proud It does not dishonor others it is not self-seeking it is not easily angered it keeps no record of wrong And so we know and rely on the Love God has for us. I am relying on this faith right now. Thank you for taking the time to read about this phase of my journey through life.
I mentioned in my first post that I’m in the process of making some major changes. It began with the awareness that life seemed to be headed in a direction I didn’t want it to go. I was afraid the past was going to repeat itself and I wasn’t willing to let that happen. I had little hope that I’d be able to make the long lasting changes I thought I wanted.
I was able though to become curious about how to change my lifestyle and I understood how powerful thoughts and beliefs are in creating reality so I started analyzing my thoughts and feelings and patterns of behavior. I did the same thing I usually do. I focussed on why I was the way I was and how I became that way. I thought that I could figure out how to transform my life by focusing on everything about myself that wasn’t serving me. That wasn’t effective.
I turned to the internet for inspiration. I didn’t expect to hear anything that I didn’t already know or hadn’t already tried. I felt broken and lost. I was drawn to several videos that began to spark my curiosity because they shed light on new ways of thinking particularly Jordan Peterson, Alan Watts and a show called Impact Theory that portrayed various highly successful people who had overcome adversity.
While listening to Alan Watts speak about the nature of the universe I contemplated the purposelessness and meaningless of life. The concept of life as a game or a play and the idea that there’s is a lot of disillusionment in the world was reassuring. He is a philosopher and writer who studied Buddhism and listening to his lectures profoundly changed my attitude.
Jordan Peterson introduced a concept that really resonated with me and that is the importance of taking on responsibilities in order to add value to life and mitigate the inevitable suffering. It was comforting to hear him say that life is suffering and also to learn that I can add value if I choose. I heard somewhere that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I believed this saying and thought the considerable amount of time I spent suffering was somehow a choice I was unconsciously making. This disempowering thinking led to me lose confidence in my ability to control how I felt. Once I understood that suffering is not an option, that it’s a part of life then I could easily accept and surrender to anything out of my control and take steps to balance it out with the joy and satisfaction that comes with taking on as much responsibility as I can bear.
I immediately felt empowered, energized and hopeful at the thought of setting goals and creating a new set of circumstances. A combination of willingness and hope furthered my curiosity in wanting to understand what it would require to completely transform oneself from living an unproductive unfulfilled existence into the complete opposite. I thought because I had been labeled as bipolar I was condemned to enduring depression. Changing my beliefs especially the subconscious ones has changed everything about me. Over-analyzing myself and identifying with past failures and shortcomings just reinforces false beliefs and encourages limiting narratives that kept me feeling stuck.
Another huge moment of clarity came to me when doing Jordan Peterson’s self-authoring program in which I started setting goals. I judged myself harshly for never having clear ideas about what I want. It’s been said that a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it is admirable. I was fooled into thinking I ought to know what I want. I reject the belief that I must know what I want or even that I want anything. Constantly questioning what I want causes a mindset that something is lacking. It brings attention to that which is not there and needs to be obtained. It is more important for me to be grateful for what’s here now and be living in the moment. Having something to aim at is giving myself the opportunity to experience life. Setting goals is not to work towards what I think is missing. The realization that I now already possess everything I want brings abundance. I don’t have to search for people, possessions and experiences to fulfill me. Having the belief that I am enough, I have enough and I am content knowing that if my life ended right now that would be perfectly okay. It is liberating to have this understanding. I am now able to feel gratitude instead of self pity and contentment instead of longing. I am filled with hope and determination in a way I have never experienced before.
I feel as if I have had a sort of spiritual awakening. I do not subscribe to any religion but I choose to define my recent awareness this way. Some people pray to God. I choose to call this having an inner dialogue. In making the effort to go inward and connect to my spirit as I call it has increased my ability to connect to other people and has guided my decisions. I’ve been extremely curious about enlightenment, consciousness and how the mind works. There’s a lot of conflicting information so it’s difficult to form any opinions but something I am considering is that there is a universal consciousness that anyone can connect to. For anyone who seeks a higher level of self awareness and self improvement I highly recommend this program
This week’s post is not directly related to my mood disorder but it’s something that I want to write about because it’s always on my mind and also something that most people can relate to.
I have recently ended an eight year relationship and I’m struggling a lot with my emotions and thoughts. I do not do well with intense feelings. I usually avoid unwanted emotions by distracting and using substances to alter my state.
I am determined to face this challenge in a healthier way. I am going to embrace all the pain and the unwanted thoughts. I am obsessed with learning about how to manage this discomfort. I have been constantly reading and watching videos about how to survive this.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I can change my perspective from looking at this situation as “bad”, or horrible, devastating, etc. into seeing it as a learning experience, an opportunity for growth, a turning point of my life where I am able to make improvements.
I am trying to feel the pain and go through it instead of suppressing it. I let myself cry. I let myself sit and grieve and practice acceptance. It feels very unnatural to let go of hope. I’m an extremely romantic person, by that I mean I have an idealized view of reality. I hang on in hopes things will be different far past what is realistic.
I am trying to take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction of the relationship. I want to look at my weaknesses so I can work on them. I give myself credit for how much I have grown because I have grown a lot throughout the relationship.
I feel lucky that my ex partner is a wonderful person and we have no hostility toward one another but in the same respect it makes it that much harder to walk away from him.
I don’t know how long this process of letting go will take. I really don’t know what to expect. I have never felt this way before. I am taking life day by day and focussing on my goals and my children.
So for a while my heart will be broken but I am confident in time I will feel stronger and happier and possibly healthier than I was during the relationship.
I want to share about this topic because I think it is important to be able to talk openly about mental health so people that care about me can understand what I am going through. Talking with people who don’t know me about having a mental illness could help reduce the stigma surrounding the subject. At times when I didn’t know how to talk about it I experienced shame and I felt alone in my struggles.
When I was diagnosed in 1992 there was not as much discussion about mental health as it seems there is today. I was hospitalized for almost two months in the summer between grade nine and grade ten. I believe everyone who knew me at the time was informed of my circumstance.
When I returned home to my family and to school it was very awkward. No one including me seemed comfortable talking about what I had just been through. I heard various rumors that were complete exaggerations. I heard that people were saying I was having acid flashbacks. I overheard people completely making up stories involving my situation. Not many people spoke directly to me. I felt misunderstood and helpless to control what people would think. I tried not to let it bother me but it did. At the time I hadn’t fully accepted my diagnosis as well so that also made it difficult to talk about.
I don’t mind talking about it now because I have matured. I want a certain amount of privacy, so I don’t go around shouting from the rooftops that I have mental health issues, but if it is appropriate I am willing to be open about my experiences.
To get from where I was to where I am now required first accepting that I have a mental illness and then having compassion for myself and an understanding that it isn’t something to be ashamed of. It took a very long time to get to this point.
I am hopeful that I can help others who struggle with the their own mental illness and I am hopeful that I can help people who don’t understand what mental illness is gain insight and perspective. I am curious what it has been like for you. Please comment by clicking the button below the title above. How difficult has it been to be upfront about having been told you are mentally ill? How have people reacted to you?
My name is Adina Mazzucco. I have created this website as a way to share information and connect with others who have been diagnosed with or are affected by someone with a mental illness.
It is my belief that I can have a fulfilling and enriched life in spite of the limitations and challenges that having mental illness in my family has posed.
It is also my belief that society in regards to mental health and psychiatry has come a long way in the past twenty-five years since I was first diagnosed and am hopeful that the mental health care systems and the stigma surrounding people diagnosed with a mental illness continue to improve.
I want to do my part by sharing my story and creating a platform where we can share our experiences and insights. I believe it is beneficial to help one another through life whenever possible and having a strong network of support is essential for optimum health.
Maintaining a sense of humour, light heart, open mind and a hopeful mindset has gotten me through some challenging life experiences. I want to share strategies and techniques that have gotten me through episodes and helped with my endeavor of self improvement. I would also like to share with you the sources of inspiration and support I have discovered.
I don’t claim to be a mental health expert. I think I am striving to be as self-aware and informed as possible on how to manage my life and I am curious about personal growth.
In the past little while I have made some difficult choices and have changed my attitude. I am adopting new habits and a new lifestyle. I am hoping to sustain this period of stability with the understanding that bipolar disorder will most likely never be cured. What I want is to be as prepared as possible for an episode of mania or depression and do everything in my power to prevent it or manage it well.
I believe everyone has value and gains success in life by identifying the value you can bring to the world and bringing it. If you have been labelled with a mental illness, you have a loved one with a mental illness or are in the least bit interested I welcome you to join me on my quest to inspire hope and offer support in order to help one another. As this site expands I will be providing a way to create your own profile and share your experiences with your own mental health challenges and you will be able to connect with others.
I spent far too much of my time hiding in shame of who I am, or I should say, who I thought I was.