I mentioned in my first post that I’m in the process of making some major changes. It began with the awareness that life seemed to be headed in a direction I didn’t want it to go. I was afraid the past was going to repeat itself and I wasn’t willing to let that happen. I had little hope that I’d be able to make the long lasting changes I thought I wanted.
I was able though to become curious about how to change my lifestyle and I understood how powerful thoughts and beliefs are in creating reality so I started analyzing my thoughts and feelings and patterns of behavior. I did the same thing I usually do. I focussed on why I was the way I was and how I became that way. I thought that I could figure out how to transform my life by focusing on everything about myself that wasn’t serving me. That wasn’t effective.
I turned to the internet for inspiration. I didn’t expect to hear anything that I didn’t already know or hadn’t already tried. I felt broken and lost. I was drawn to several videos that began to spark my curiosity because they shed light on new ways of thinking particularly Jordan Peterson, Alan Watts and a show called Impact Theory that portrayed various highly successful people who had overcome adversity.
While listening to Alan Watts speak about the nature of the universe I contemplated the purposelessness and meaningless of life. The concept of life as a game or a play and the idea that there’s is a lot of disillusionment in the world was reassuring. He is a philosopher and writer who studied Buddhism and listening to his lectures profoundly changed my attitude.
Jordan Peterson introduced a concept that really resonated with me and that is the importance of taking on responsibilities in order to add value to life and mitigate the inevitable suffering. It was comforting to hear him say that life is suffering and also to learn that I can add value if I choose. I heard somewhere that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I believed this saying and thought the considerable amount of time I spent suffering was somehow a choice I was unconsciously making. This disempowering thinking led to me lose confidence in my ability to control how I felt. Once I understood that suffering is not an option, that it’s a part of life then I could easily accept and surrender to anything out of my control and take steps to balance it out with the joy and satisfaction that comes with taking on as much responsibility as I can bear.
I immediately felt empowered, energized and hopeful at the thought of setting goals and creating a new set of circumstances. A combination of willingness and hope furthered my curiosity in wanting to understand what it would require to completely transform oneself from living an unproductive unfulfilled existence into the complete opposite. I thought because I had been labeled as bipolar I was condemned to enduring depression. Changing my beliefs especially the subconscious ones has changed everything about me. Over-analyzing myself and identifying with past failures and shortcomings just reinforces false beliefs and encourages limiting narratives that kept me feeling stuck.
Another huge moment of clarity came to me when doing Jordan Peterson’s self-authoring program in which I started setting goals. I judged myself harshly for never having clear ideas about what I want. It’s been said that a woman who knows what she wants and goes after it is admirable. I was fooled into thinking I ought to know what I want. I reject the belief that I must know what I want or even that I want anything. Constantly questioning what I want causes a mindset that something is lacking. It brings attention to that which is not there and needs to be obtained. It is more important for me to be grateful for what’s here now and be living in the moment. Having something to aim at is giving myself the opportunity to experience life. Setting goals is not to work towards what I think is missing. The realization that I now already possess everything I want brings abundance. I don’t have to search for people, possessions and experiences to fulfill me. Having the belief that I am enough, I have enough and I am content knowing that if my life ended right now that would be perfectly okay. It is liberating to have this understanding. I am now able to feel gratitude instead of self pity and contentment instead of longing. I am filled with hope and determination in a way I have never experienced before.
I feel as if I have had a sort of spiritual awakening. I do not subscribe to any religion but I choose to define my recent awareness this way. Some people pray to God. I choose to call this having an inner dialogue. In making the effort to go inward and connect to my spirit as I call it has increased my ability to connect to other people and has guided my decisions. I’ve been extremely curious about enlightenment, consciousness and how the mind works. There’s a lot of conflicting information so it’s difficult to form any opinions but something I am considering is that there is a universal consciousness that anyone can connect to. For anyone who seeks a higher level of self awareness and self improvement I highly recommend this program