May 5, 2019
I haven’t posted in months because what happened as a result of having some self-awareness and removing myself from an unhealthy situation with my partner is that I learned I needed to address my issues and take responsibility for my life. I felt empowered and enlightened but neglected to acknowledge the powerlessness over my addiction. I admitted the problem and attended a support group but as soon as I felt a sense of relief and hope I thought I had control. I returned to old habits thinking that this time will be different. It’s overwhelming to consider letting go of everything that is not serving me including the people places and activities that I am accustomed to. I know I can’t trust my judgement and don’t feel safe to make the daily decisions that will keep me on a path of recovery so today I completely surrender and accept my powerlessness and have the willingness and courage to face myself and my addiction and mental health issues. It’s frustrating being a chronic relapaser because I can imagine from an outside perspective that it doesn’t make sense but from my internal perspective which is distorted I have rationalized and justified every decision I have made. That’s the insanity of the illness. So to all the people who know me through poker if you don’t see me it’s because I have chosen another path in life and am on my way to becoming a more involved mother, daughter, sister and friend and hopefully an inspiration for people like me who have faced similar adversities in this life. I know many people are out there suffering and I know that each individual experience is unique but the resonance and connection that exists in all people is unconditional love. The Bibles definition of love states Love is patient Love is kind it does not envy it does not boast it is not proud It does not dishonor others it is not self-seeking it is not easily angered it keeps no record of wrong And so we know and rely on the Love God has for us. I am relying on this faith right now. Thank you for taking the time to read about this phase of my journey through life.